Football Quotes

By Loot, NFL Handicapper,

Famous and Funny Football Quotes and Sayings

Erma Bombeck

“If a man watches 3 football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

Dick Butkus

“I wouldn’t ever go out to hurt anybody deliberately unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.”

Bruce Coslet

“We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.”

Dan Devine

”There are two type of people in this world: those who hate Notre Dame and those who love Notre Dame, and their both a pain in the ass.”

Phyllis Diller

“The reason women don’t play football is because you’d never see 11 of them wearing the same outfit in public.”

Mike Ditka

“If God had wanted us to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.”

“Effort without talent is a depressing situation, but talent without effort is a tragedy.”

Art Donovan

“He runs like a camel, a really pissed-off camel.”–on QB Johnny Unitas.

“The best way to die is to sit under a tree, eat lots of bologna and salami, drink a case of beer, and just blow up.”

Dan Fouts

“Now that I’m retired I want to say that all defensive linemen are sissies.”

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

“Terry Bradshaw couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the C and the T.”

Frank Gifford

“Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.”

Tim Green

“Let’s face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis.”


Bo Jackson

“If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn’t the same as the one I was wearing, I’d run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother.”

“Football is easy if you’re crazy as hell.”

Vince Lombardi

“Gentlemen, we are going to relentlessly chase perfection, knowing full well we will not catch it.”

“Winners never quit and quitters never win.”

“It’s not whether you get knocked down. It’s whether you get up.”

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a alack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.”

“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.”

“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”

“Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.”

“Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.”

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”

John Madden

“What’s the toughest thing in a professional football game? It’s being the mother of the quarterback–toughest thing.”

“Don’t worry about the horse being blind. Just load the wagon.”

“Coaches have to watch what they don’t want to see and listen to what they don’t want to hear.”

“If you see a defense with dirt and mud on their backs, they’ve had a bad day.”

“The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.”

“Mark Brunell usually likes to soak his balls before a rainy game.”

Max McGee

“When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I’ll take the whiskey drinkers.”

John McKay

“I’m in favor of it.” –when asked by a reporter about his team’s execution.

“Well, we didn’t block well, but we made up for it by not tackling.”

“If you have everyone back from a team that lost ten games, experience isn’t too important.”

“Every time I look up, it seems we’re punting.”

“Capece is kaput.” –after cutting kicker Bill Capece.

Jim McMahon

“The Packers have lots of owners nobody knows instead of one owner who doesn’t know squat.”

“The people don’t take baths and don’t speak English. No golf courses, no room-service. Who needs it?–on Europe.

Dennis Miller

“The field goal attempt was so far to the left, it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”

“Could it be any more humid here in Miami? I want to pretend that I’m algae.”

“I’ve seen women peeing standing up with better aim.”

“With Browns tickets what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought their entire family to sit in the ‘Dog Pound’ are secretly calculating how much blood they’re going to have to sell to put groceries on the table.”

“The Cowboys defense has more holes that Ronnie Milsap and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”

“Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.”

Joe Namath

“When you win, nothing hurts.”

“Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’”

“We’re going to win on Sunday. I guarantee it.”

“If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all.”

Chuck Noll

“The thrill isn’t in the winning, it’s in the doing.”

Merlin Olsen

“Football linemen are motivated by a more complicated, self-determining series of factors than the simple fear of humiliation in the public gaze, which is the emotion that galvanizes the backs and receivers.”

Bill Parcells

“I like linebackers. I collect ‘em. You can’t have too many good ones.”

“I think confrontation is healthy because it clears the air very quickly.”

“There is winning and there is misery.”

“If you’re sensitive, you will have a hard tome with me.”

Bill Peterson

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”

Jerry Rice

“Today I will do what others won’t so tomorrow I will do what others can’t.”

Knute Rockne

“Build up your weaknesses until they become your strengths.”

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.”

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